Sex 101: How to start roleplaying with your partner

Undeniably, one of the best sex scenes in movie history is The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Are you kidding me? Me, at 15, I had a sexual awakening watching Bella and Edward have fun in the water, all to end up in bed. I mean, the scene where she wakes up with a completely broken bed and pillow feathers strewn across the room looks exactly like what my sex dreams are made of (you know, with less Edward Cullen and more LaKeith Stanfield ). And we have to talk about the other best sex scene in human history: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan. You know I pretended Black Swan like my favorite movie of all time for quite a while, and somehow I didn’t realize until a few years later that I could be bisexual.

But do you know why movie sex scenes are so absolutely sexy? It is action. There’s a sense of “these aren’t real people” in all of this. And you know what? Ordinary old people like us can experience the same feeling with just a little role-playing.

I’ll be completely honest: role-playing with your partner can feel really intimidating and, of course, totally weird and awkward if you’re new to it. But as most sexual things go, with practice and communication comes many orgasms! So here we go, a 101 guide to the best role-playing ideas of your life.

Set your limits and safe words

Before you and your partner become completely different people for the night, discuss what you’re ready to do and what you’re not ready to do. It’s important to know what each of you hopes to get out of the experience. For you, it might just be a one night only fun thing. Your partner may want to add this to your usual rotation. Some people like to use role-playing to fulfill their fantasies. Whatever you decide is amazing, just make sure it works for both of you. As always, communication with your partner about sex is necessary here.

You will also want to find safe words if you are into BDSM or something similar.

How to decide which role play

You can absolutely create a character on the spot and go with it. But if you’re not an Oscar-winning actress yet (maybe if I’m fleshing out the money for this Natalie Portman Masterclass, but I digress), it’s OK to take some time to figure it out and find it as you go. Of course, the simplest thing would be another person. It may be your alter ego. You don’t totally change how you look, but you go by a different name and act a little differently (e.g. normally you’re more dominant in the bedroom, and instead act a little more submissive). Act like it’s your first date again.

On the other hand, you can also decide who to role play based on your fantasies. What excites you? Is this a student/teacher scenario? A nurse/patient? Two roommates? Really decide what turns you on, because it will seem awkward and funny to both of you if it’s not something you actually find sexy.

Are you going to add costumes? You certainly can! But to be fair, if your partner is of the male species, you might be able to get away with putting your hair in a different style and slapping on a smokey eye, and they’ll think it’s quite different. (If your partner is more observant, wigs are a really fun and inexpensive way to switch things up!) If the storyline is a bit more complex, consider getting into character. It might seem really awkward for your first roleplaying game, so don’t be afraid to start small. Speaking of…

start small

It’s okay if your first time playing a role doesn’t involve the sexy French maid costume of your dreams and a fully written script of everything you’ll say. It’s really easy and casual to start roleplaying with text first. You and your partner can gauge how you like it and how you feel without the pressure to “play” in front of each other.

Don’t stress if you feel stupid

Role-playing can feel like you’re back in high school musical theater if you’re not used to it, and that’s okay. It’s different and new, but it takes time to get used to being that way with your partner. Think of role-playing as a game, and of course, very few people are good at a game the first time they play it.

Change location

Obviously, we’re not going to our local hotel bar to recreate our first dates right now. Instead, change the location to where you are. You can walk around the park and start your role play there (finish at home, of course) or just switch places in your house. Get really into it and turn your kitchen island or dining table into a little bar for the evening. You could pretend your house is a hotel. Have fun and let your imagination run wild. Sex is all about flexing your creative muscle.

A few scenarios to try

  • Classic power dynamics – boss/employee, teacher/student, guest/maid, nurse or doctor/patient, fitness instructor/student, landlord/tenant, etc.
  • Best friends
  • Flatmates
  • foreigners
  • Long distance – try Skype/FaceTime sex even if you’re not in an LDR
  • massage therapist
  • food delivery
  • Non-monogamy – one person remains themselves and the other is a stranger
  • Photographer and model

Don’t be afraid to take action

It’s not weird to get into it. It’s your fantasy to cry out loud! Role-playing is about being someone else for a while and fulfilling all your desires with your partner. It’s a fun way to try all those things you crave without too much commitment. Try something and realize you don’t really like it? Try something different! It’s all trial and error, so don’t be surprised if you thought you liked or hated something and it surprises you.

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